... He compared me to Nancy Wheeler. How she was getting ready to jump on Jonathan Byers behind his back. When I tried to explain - that's, that's not what I was trying to say, he just shut down.
[ he scrubs a hand down his face, leaning back in his seat. ]
... I get the feeling what he wanted was for me to open up the door and comfort him - even though that's not what he said - but...
[ he just gestures vaguely. letting their shared connection speak for him. trying that one too many times, fucking up by saying the wrong thing. or worse, trying to parent a parent and getting his face broken for the trouble. ]
[he sends a soft wave of comfort; warm, understanding. ]
Yeah. I’m guessing he doesn’t want space from you. [otherwise, Billy could be moping alone right now in his weird little sex studio. ] He probably just wants you to - you know. Be there.
[he thinks. probably. ] He was worried he wasn’t enough. For you. [before he kicked Billy out.] For some reason, can’t imagine why, I don’t think he wanted to hear that he was, from me.
He's... Wheeler really fucked him up, y'know? I underestimated how much... [ taking a sip of his soda. ] ... I've never dated anybody. Fucked around, sure, but nobody wanted to be seen kissing me in public, and I...
[ he licks his lips, brow furrowing as he stares down at the food. ]
Love isn't finite, y'know? I love him. And... feeling those feelings for someone else.. it's not... it's not that he's not enough. I could be with just him, just him until the day I die, and I'd be happy. Even when we're so old our dicks don't work and I gotta scream to be heard... It's not about enough.
[half-smiling. ] Tell him that. He’ll love the part about your wrinkly dick not working.
[does this hurt? well, yeah. it’s not so different from the ache he’s been harboring for months, though. it’s not like Billy isn’t used to being disappointed, or second best. his own dad replaced him - this is a cake walk, practically. ]
You’ll figure it out, man. You’ll be back to being absolutely unbearable in no time.
[ except... is it? eddie chews on the nail of a ringed finger, pursing his lips. ]
... But I don't know if I can do this if any time I get close to someone, he... [ he glances off to the side. then back. ] he thinks I'm gonna run off. Maybe this throuple thing is a non-starter, I don't know, he knew about - they're calling it polyamory these days, and he didn't seem... surprised. But he...
He brought up the fight. Like, from when we barely knew each other. And acted like that was proof. I didn't... [ his brow knits. ] I didn't feel this way until I got to know you. Like... really got to know you. I mean, obviously [ he gestures to billy ] you're smokin'. But feelings are different than just mindless lust.
... and whether we're romantic or platonic, I just know I want you in my life. And if that's gonna be an issue for him...
[he listens; mouths throuple to himself like it’s a new word, but he’s quiet. he’s listening, understanding. it’s exhausting - he gets it. he lived with a man who took that insecurity to the extremes, and Steve isn’t that, but it’s.
is it a trigger? christ, maybe. he’s up before he really knows what’s doing. sliding in beside Eddie, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and holding tight. he doesn’t think about it when he presses a kiss to his temple. ] I don’t care how good he is, or how much I care about him - but you make it fucking clear to him that he doesn’t get to make you feel guilty about who you’re close to.
[ there's that shared tendril. the thing that eddie recognized from the start. same damage, packaged different. eddie leans against him, nodding.
it's not what steve's trying to do. he knows it. and he knows so many of the little fantasies steve has about what they can be back in hawkins... won't hold up. they won't be able to walk down the street. make out under the stars at the drive-in. they'll have to be careful, be secret, because hawkins fucking hates eddie munson and the idea that he's queer is more an insult than a reality. ]
I won't. [ he lets out a hollow laugh. ] Learned that doesn't make anybody happy a looooong time ago.
[Billy doesn’t let go. keeps his arm tight, leans back to nod, to find some reassurance in Eddie’s tone. he shouldn’t project, he knows, but the possibility of it scares him. it’s his own personal ghost, really. it doesn’t leave. ]
Who knew cheating death would be this goddamn complicated, huh.
[he is projecting the whole memory. the hot chocolate, the attempt at tenderness, Steve straight up holding the door before following Billy out to yell some more. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 12:42 am (UTC)... He compared me to Nancy Wheeler. How she was getting ready to jump on Jonathan Byers behind his back. When I tried to explain - that's, that's not what I was trying to say, he just shut down.
[ he scrubs a hand down his face, leaning back in his seat. ]
... I get the feeling what he wanted was for me to open up the door and comfort him - even though that's not what he said - but...
[ he just gestures vaguely. letting their shared connection speak for him. trying that one too many times, fucking up by saying the wrong thing. or worse, trying to parent a parent and getting his face broken for the trouble. ]
So I ran... I was gonna give him some space.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 12:48 am (UTC)[he sends a soft wave of comfort; warm, understanding. ]
Yeah. I’m guessing he doesn’t want space from you. [otherwise, Billy could be moping alone right now in his weird little sex studio. ] He probably just wants you to - you know. Be there.
[he thinks. probably. ] He was worried he wasn’t enough. For you. [before he kicked Billy out.] For some reason, can’t imagine why, I don’t think he wanted to hear that he was, from me.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 12:52 am (UTC)[ eddie sighs. ]
He's... Wheeler really fucked him up, y'know? I underestimated how much... [ taking a sip of his soda. ] ... I've never dated anybody. Fucked around, sure, but nobody wanted to be seen kissing me in public, and I...
[ he licks his lips, brow furrowing as he stares down at the food. ]
Love isn't finite, y'know? I love him. And... feeling those feelings for someone else.. it's not... it's not that he's not enough. I could be with just him, just him until the day I die, and I'd be happy. Even when we're so old our dicks don't work and I gotta scream to be heard... It's not about enough.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 12:59 am (UTC)[half-smiling. ] Tell him that. He’ll love the part about your wrinkly dick not working.
[does this hurt? well, yeah. it’s not so different from the ache he’s been harboring for months, though. it’s not like Billy isn’t used to being disappointed, or second best. his own dad replaced him - this is a cake walk, practically. ]
You’ll figure it out, man. You’ll be back to being absolutely unbearable in no time.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:03 am (UTC)... But I don't know if I can do this if any time I get close to someone, he... [ he glances off to the side. then back. ] he thinks I'm gonna run off. Maybe this throuple thing is a non-starter, I don't know, he knew about - they're calling it polyamory these days, and he didn't seem... surprised. But he...
He brought up the fight. Like, from when we barely knew each other. And acted like that was proof. I didn't... [ his brow knits. ] I didn't feel this way until I got to know you. Like... really got to know you. I mean, obviously [ he gestures to billy ] you're smokin'. But feelings are different than just mindless lust.
... and whether we're romantic or platonic, I just know I want you in my life. And if that's gonna be an issue for him...
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:11 am (UTC)is it a trigger? christ, maybe. he’s up before he really knows what’s doing. sliding in beside Eddie, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and holding tight. he doesn’t think about it when he presses a kiss to his temple. ] I don’t care how good he is, or how much I care about him - but you make it fucking clear to him that he doesn’t get to make you feel guilty about who you’re close to.
[yeah, it might be a trigger. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:14 am (UTC)it's not what steve's trying to do. he knows it. and he knows so many of the little fantasies steve has about what they can be back in hawkins... won't hold up. they won't be able to walk down the street. make out under the stars at the drive-in. they'll have to be careful, be secret, because hawkins fucking hates eddie munson and the idea that he's queer is more an insult than a reality. ]
I won't. [ he lets out a hollow laugh. ] Learned that doesn't make anybody happy a looooong time ago.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:24 am (UTC)Who knew cheating death would be this goddamn complicated, huh.
[ha. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:25 am (UTC)[ but that's...
that's fine.
it is. because - eddie had never had all that much of this in life. and even if its hard... its... its better. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:32 am (UTC)[rivals and all that. Billy would be the villain etc. ] Kind of falls apart if I’m trying to make out with you too.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:34 am (UTC)[ though. ]
... He really showed you to the door?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:38 am (UTC)[he is projecting the whole memory. the hot chocolate, the attempt at tenderness, Steve straight up holding the door before following Billy out to yell some more. ]
You see. Might never recover from that rejection.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:40 am (UTC)but... ]
He really has no idea that we see him for him, does he.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:41 am (UTC)[god help them.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:43 am (UTC)[ he grabs a potato skin, taking a bite of it with a sigh. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:53 am (UTC)[ ... ]
Loving yourself... that's something you gotta learn how to do. Otherwise, you're never gonna feel like you're enough.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 02:00 am (UTC)[he’s picking at his food. distracted. a little lost, maybe.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 02:01 am (UTC)[ ... ]
Is it bad I'm terrified to face him?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 02:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 02:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 02:08 am (UTC)[he gets his fries to go. flags down for the check and gently pulls Eddie to go, too.
it’s now or never, really. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 02:22 am (UTC)or at least as ready as they'll ever be. eddie looks Stressed but prepared. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 02:28 pm (UTC)he’s not scared of Robin Buckley, but he is wary.
still, off they go, Billy maybe driving less like a lunatic just to make the time stretch.]