ic inbox.

[heatmetal]

[ his voicemail greeting is just a guitar riff ]

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[heatmetal]

[ Steve's asleep and he's just buzzing with anxious energy. There's a new buzz in the mix, underneath the usual Eddie energy. This one speaks to... Fear?

Abandonment. Fear of abandonment. Or rejection. Or loss. It's kind of a swirling mess. And after a night not in control, he feels... Raw. Exposed. ]

Sorry man. Lot on my mind.

[camarod]

[it's a Lot. Billy - well. he peaks, for a second. looks through Eddie's eyes at Steve sleeping, trying to find some kind of context; a clue. ]

what the hell is going on man? you're giving ME a panic attack

[heatmetal]

[ ..... ]

I saw your video.

[camarod]

[oh. fuck. ]

which one

[heatmetal]

the one with my shirt

[camarod]

[hard to tell if this is his own anxiety, really.

still. ]

oh yeah.
i took steve up on his idea. looks like he was right

[heatmetal]

Hold on, his idea? What idea?

[camarod]

he said i should use a shirt to make it more believable? numbers don't lie, dude.

[this spike of anxiety is all him, because it's real guilty, it stinks of deflection.]

[heatmetal]

That looked a little more than believable.

[ and just that buzz of anxiety. ]

[camarod]

did you watch the whole thing?

[heatmetal]

Yeah, B.

[camarod]

[fuck fuck fuck fuck. ]

why

[heatmetal]

[ that's a good question. a better one is why he's having this conversation right after he and Steve said the l word.

It seemed real.
Was waiting for you to break character.

[camarod]

did you feel me while i was filming

[heatmetal]

I always do.

[camarod]

[fuck.]

yeah.

[heatmetal]

[ a small stretch of silence. ]

Are you home or at the studio?

[camarod]

home.

[heatmetal]

Meet me on the roof?

[camarod]

[fuck fuck fuck fuck]

k.

[fuck it. ]

[heatmetal]

[ he's carefully untangling himself from Steve. Offering a 'bathroom' if the other man stirs enough to be aware of it.

And then he's heading to the roof. Lighting up a cigarette, leaning against the railing and looking over the city. Trying to swallow down the buzz of stress and fear. ]

[camarod]

[he's got the sense to pull on boxers - a sweater that might be Steve's, if he looked twice.

the anxiety feedback is exhausting, honestly, but. yeah, okay. he brought it on himself. he's quiet, on his way up: hyper-aware of robin and chrissy, aware of waking anyone in this god forsaken house and making a bigger shitshow.

so he's quiet, when he slips through the door. barefoot, feeling a little sick; a little worried. ]

[heatmetal]

[ billy has been in his head long enough to know that occasionally, Eddie is overwhelmed. and that almost always translates itself wrong - anger and shouting, sometimes crying if he's exceptionally fucked up while it's happening.

But he's calm around Billy. Or at least, less afraid of showing that he can be ugly and awful when he's reached the end of his short tether. Even if he's still vibrating under his skin. ]

So... I'm gonna need you to use your words, big guy. [ he glances over his shoulder, cigarette dangling between his fingers. ] I knew you were into Steve, but... That about the vampire?

[camarod]

[he's quiet on his approach. can't hide the wave of absolute confusion that washes over him and spills out, momentarily squashing the anxiety of it all. he frowns real deep, steps next to Eddie and leans on the railing. he needs a second, to find his words, to express how real fucking absurd of a concept that is.

because the vampire Eddie hasn't been here with him for months. hasn't seem him lose his shit, bawling his eyes out about his fucking dad, or his mom, or about how he hates himself, most days. so he exhales. ] Don't be so fucking stupid, Eddie, [he says, breathless, and makes a grabby hand for the cigarette. ]

[heatmetal]

[ there's a flicker of genuine surprise. wordlessly he hands the cigarette over, not looking at billy, just out across the city.

he's a hypocrite for saying use your words when he doesn't even know how to begin to do the same.

billy feels sort of like home. the same way Steve does. Cozy... Safe. Someone who not only tolerated him being himself, but revels in it. ]

I am so shit-scared of losing you. [ is what he actually says, his brow furrowing as he stars at the smoggy skyline. Glancing sideways at billy and then back. ] Aaaabsolutely petrified... It's why I lost my shit when Steve started implying I wanted to fuck you because I was terrified ... [ he lifts a hand for emphasis, slashing through the air ] Absolutely terrified - that he was gonna make me cut you out.

So... I've been trying to ignore [ he gestures between them. Their head. The bonds. ] that we got no secrets between us... And that's not fair to you.