[ he's carefully untangling himself from Steve. Offering a 'bathroom' if the other man stirs enough to be aware of it.
And then he's heading to the roof. Lighting up a cigarette, leaning against the railing and looking over the city. Trying to swallow down the buzz of stress and fear. ]
[he's got the sense to pull on boxers - a sweater that might be Steve's, if he looked twice.
the anxiety feedback is exhausting, honestly, but. yeah, okay. he brought it on himself. he's quiet, on his way up: hyper-aware of robin and chrissy, aware of waking anyone in this god forsaken house and making a bigger shitshow.
so he's quiet, when he slips through the door. barefoot, feeling a little sick; a little worried. ]
[ billy has been in his head long enough to know that occasionally, Eddie is overwhelmed. and that almost always translates itself wrong - anger and shouting, sometimes crying if he's exceptionally fucked up while it's happening.
But he's calm around Billy. Or at least, less afraid of showing that he can be ugly and awful when he's reached the end of his short tether. Even if he's still vibrating under his skin. ]
So... I'm gonna need you to use your words, big guy. [ he glances over his shoulder, cigarette dangling between his fingers. ] I knew you were into Steve, but... That about the vampire?
[he's quiet on his approach. can't hide the wave of absolute confusion that washes over him and spills out, momentarily squashing the anxiety of it all. he frowns real deep, steps next to Eddie and leans on the railing. he needs a second, to find his words, to express how real fucking absurd of a concept that is.
because the vampire Eddie hasn't been here with him for months. hasn't seem him lose his shit, bawling his eyes out about his fucking dad, or his mom, or about how he hates himself, most days. so he exhales. ] Don't be so fucking stupid, Eddie, [he says, breathless, and makes a grabby hand for the cigarette. ]
[ there's a flicker of genuine surprise. wordlessly he hands the cigarette over, not looking at billy, just out across the city.
he's a hypocrite for saying use your words when he doesn't even know how to begin to do the same.
billy feels sort of like home. the same way Steve does. Cozy... Safe. Someone who not only tolerated him being himself, but revels in it. ]
I am so shit-scared of losing you. [ is what he actually says, his brow furrowing as he stars at the smoggy skyline. Glancing sideways at billy and then back. ] Aaaabsolutely petrified... It's why I lost my shit when Steve started implying I wanted to fuck you because I was terrified ... [ he lifts a hand for emphasis, slashing through the air ] Absolutely terrified - that he was gonna make me cut you out.
So... I've been trying to ignore [ he gestures between them. Their head. The bonds. ] that we got no secrets between us... And that's not fair to you.
[he takes a long drag. holds it in until his lungs hurt; listens, then exhales. he doesn't know what that means, really. it's a nice rejection, maybe. the sweetest one he's ever had, one he can understand, because he's been a little shit scared too.
he hands the cigarette back, nods slow. ] What else is there to do, man? It is what it is.
[he slumps, a little, scrubs a knuckle over his eyes, tongues over his teeth. ] I'm shit scared of losing you too. For what it's worth.
[ he holds out his hand for the cigarette, taking a long drag as he mulls it over.
he loves Steve. Told him he loved him. Trusted him enough to let him rail him as a monster and himself. That's not nothing.
And neither is this thing with billy. ]
... We talk to Steve. [ he clicks his tongue. ] But... [ he turns to billy, expression serious. ] not if all you want to do is fuck him. Or me. Has to be both of us, and it has to be more than just sex. He's got a big soft heart and he's tired of being used up and abandoned.
[he's quiet again. feels like he's suspended, somewhere; floating, or falling. he looks at Eddie, really looks at him with those blue eyes, fucking wet again and it's like a dam breaks, inside of him. he doesn't know how to vocalise it; has never said i love you to a single person beyond his mother and meant it. isn't sure he knows how.
so he let's all go; opens up the months of longing, the wanting, the absolute ache of giving a shit, of falling for Steve Harrington and Eddie Munson, and pushes it towards Eddie. the fondness, the misery of it, the absolute secret, private delight of having them accept him. the fear of rejection; the fear that Steve doesn't even really like him, that he's been tolerated for Eddie's sake. that he's just been tolerated, period.
in the middle of it is love; the fear of losing them. of not fitting, of not being good enough. the hurt, finally, that Eddie would think he just wants to fuck them.]
[ it's a lot to parse all at once. And proof that if they hadn't formed this bond - this conversation probably wouldn't be happening. Billy bottles up, Eddie avoids, Steve is oblivious. ]
I know, B. [ maybe not the depth of it until now. And kissing is off the table until they talk to Steve. But his hand drops to billys and gives a squeeze. ] I didn't mean it like that. I'm just - I'm just saying, Steve's afraid of being replaced. Ans if you want this, and if he's onboard with this, fuck knows Harrington's more for the 80s than either of us... It's us. The three of us. Just the three of us. And, I guess, your billion OnlyStans followers.
[His laugh is sudden, slightly weak, and takes him by surprise -] Fuck you for making me laugh when I'm having a meltdown, [he says, and squeezes Eddie's hand. he wants to kiss him; the possibility of it is just hanging there, in this fucking limbo, and -
and instead he pulls Eddie in for an embrace, presses his nose to his hair and squeezes. indulges. ] If he says no, it's - it's fine. I'm a big boy. But promise me we'll be good.
[he's so smitten. even if he weren't, the thought of losing Eddie is so frightening. he thinks, maybe, this is why he avoided making real connections after Cali: just because of how much it fucking hurt when he had to let go. ]
You think we can sleep now? Pocket the rest of this for a tomorrow conversation?
[ he is actually dead tired and would like to get a proper night's sleep. He hugs billy a little longer and then steps back, stubbing out the cigarette and flicking it off the balcony. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:03 am (UTC)Are you home or at the studio?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:09 am (UTC)k.
[fuck it. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:12 am (UTC)And then he's heading to the roof. Lighting up a cigarette, leaning against the railing and looking over the city. Trying to swallow down the buzz of stress and fear. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:16 am (UTC)the anxiety feedback is exhausting, honestly, but. yeah, okay. he brought it on himself. he's quiet, on his way up: hyper-aware of robin and chrissy, aware of waking anyone in this god forsaken house and making a bigger shitshow.
so he's quiet, when he slips through the door. barefoot, feeling a little sick; a little worried. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:23 am (UTC)But he's calm around Billy. Or at least, less afraid of showing that he can be ugly and awful when he's reached the end of his short tether. Even if he's still vibrating under his skin. ]
So... I'm gonna need you to use your words, big guy. [ he glances over his shoulder, cigarette dangling between his fingers. ] I knew you were into Steve, but... That about the vampire?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:28 am (UTC)because the vampire Eddie hasn't been here with him for months. hasn't seem him lose his shit, bawling his eyes out about his fucking dad, or his mom, or about how he hates himself, most days. so he exhales. ] Don't be so fucking stupid, Eddie, [he says, breathless, and makes a grabby hand for the cigarette. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:42 am (UTC)he's a hypocrite for saying use your words when he doesn't even know how to begin to do the same.
billy feels sort of like home. the same way Steve does. Cozy... Safe. Someone who not only tolerated him being himself, but revels in it. ]
I am so shit-scared of losing you. [ is what he actually says, his brow furrowing as he stars at the smoggy skyline. Glancing sideways at billy and then back. ] Aaaabsolutely petrified... It's why I lost my shit when Steve started implying I wanted to fuck you because I was terrified ... [ he lifts a hand for emphasis, slashing through the air ] Absolutely terrified - that he was gonna make me cut you out.
So... I've been trying to ignore [ he gestures between them. Their head. The bonds. ] that we got no secrets between us... And that's not fair to you.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:51 am (UTC)he hands the cigarette back, nods slow. ] What else is there to do, man? It is what it is.
[he slumps, a little, scrubs a knuckle over his eyes, tongues over his teeth. ] I'm shit scared of losing you too. For what it's worth.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:56 am (UTC)he loves Steve. Told him he loved him. Trusted him enough to let him rail him as a monster and himself. That's not nothing.
And neither is this thing with billy. ]
... We talk to Steve. [ he clicks his tongue. ] But... [ he turns to billy, expression serious. ] not if all you want to do is fuck him. Or me. Has to be both of us, and it has to be more than just sex. He's got a big soft heart and he's tired of being used up and abandoned.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 02:04 am (UTC)so he let's all go; opens up the months of longing, the wanting, the absolute ache of giving a shit, of falling for Steve Harrington and Eddie Munson, and pushes it towards Eddie. the fondness, the misery of it, the absolute secret, private delight of having them accept him. the fear of rejection; the fear that Steve doesn't even really like him, that he's been tolerated for Eddie's sake. that he's just been tolerated, period.
in the middle of it is love; the fear of losing them. of not fitting, of not being good enough. the hurt, finally, that Eddie would think he just wants to fuck them.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 02:13 am (UTC)I know, B. [ maybe not the depth of it until now. And kissing is off the table until they talk to Steve. But his hand drops to billys and gives a squeeze. ] I didn't mean it like that. I'm just - I'm just saying, Steve's afraid of being replaced. Ans if you want this, and if he's onboard with this, fuck knows Harrington's more for the 80s than either of us... It's us. The three of us. Just the three of us. And, I guess, your billion OnlyStans followers.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 02:18 am (UTC)and instead he pulls Eddie in for an embrace, presses his nose to his hair and squeezes. indulges. ] If he says no, it's - it's fine. I'm a big boy. But promise me we'll be good.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 02:20 am (UTC)Hate to tell you this but you're stuck with me now, Billy Hargrove.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 02:24 am (UTC)[he's so smitten. even if he weren't, the thought of losing Eddie is so frightening. he thinks, maybe, this is why he avoided making real connections after Cali: just because of how much it fucking hurt when he had to let go. ]
You think we can sleep now? Pocket the rest of this for a tomorrow conversation?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 02:27 am (UTC)[ he is actually dead tired and would like to get a proper night's sleep. He hugs billy a little longer and then steps back, stubbing out the cigarette and flicking it off the balcony. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 02:29 am (UTC)