[ he has in fact used some axe. And a little dry shampoo. Making himself appear halfway presentable despite inclinations to stay flopped in bed and ride another body high.
But Billy's not roasting him from the get-go and that probably means something's off. ]
[freaking out? yeah, maybe. he feels unmoored; feels exhausted. the way he collapses onto Eddie’s bed without so much as a dry remark about their cleanliness says more than he could, probably.
he stares at the ceiling, fingers twitching at his side.] I feel kind of crazy.
[his teeth are grinding in between sentences. ] I didn’t - didn’t wanna tell either of you about this stupid, fucking thing. But it’s gonna take too long to figure out how to suppress it and it’s getting worse.
[he’s unblinking. ] Sorry. I should’ve called instead, because it’s like - I don’t know if I’m dangerous, E.
[the ceiling is sort of monotonous: there’s nothing to count, or to become cross-eyed with. just white paint splayed wide, corner to corner. for a second he thinks the white is hurting his eyes, but no it’s -
it’s the warmth of Eddie’s hand on his that his eyes stinging. it’s the pure, sweet kindness of Eddie Munson that has his eyes wet, has his throat thick with grief. he should tell him not to touch - should scream it, in fact. because here is the truth of it: there is something inside Billy that wants to crawl out of the tender flesh of his scar tissue. he can feel it, how the silver-violet patches burn black when Eddie and Steve are close, how they come alive with sensation and how every neuron of his brain screams at him to crawl inside them and make them - make them what? his?
it’s not the same as wanting them. it’s not the same thing as closing his eyes and thinking of how Steve would kiss him, or how Eddie might have broken him. it’s worse, somehow. it’s primal and terrifying.
he squeezes Eddie’s hand and lolls his head to look at him, glassy eyed and terrified. ] No - no it’s me.
[that’s worse, isn’t it? that the power he got feels so much like how it felt when Vecna was connecting him to Heather, to her parents, to all those people. how sometimes he misses the unity in his head, how that weakness is only making this worse.
he should tell Eddie not to touch him. he doesn’t. ] Sorry - fuck. It’s - I lied. About my power. Because I wasn’t sure, at first? But it’s getting worse, I think. It’s like sometimes I’m okay, and sometimes this thing wants to reach out and, I don’t know. Connect? But it feels like how it did then, when it was him - but this time it’s me. It’s me, E.
[maybe it was him then too. ] I want to crawl inside your head, Eddie. The scars are fucking burning, sometimes it hurts.
[ he hates this supernatural shit. hates it, hates it, hates it. feels his hand start to recoil from billy's at the confession, feels his feet burn with the need to run. but...
but he can't.
he licks his lips. squeezing billy's hand. grounding them both. ]
Okay.... okay. [ his voice wavers a little. he'd rather run. ] When you wanna reach out - are -- do you want to hurt people, or just connect?
I don’t wanna hurt anyone, E. [it’s not uncertain because he isn’t sure about this, specially. his voice wavers because sure, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone now - but what if he does hurt someone? what if he destroys all trace of them, the way Vecna had?
eddie licks his lips, looking back up into his friend's bright blue eyes.
it occurs to him that this might be what they need. that billy could be the key to saving all of those who fell victim to vecna. a means to connect to them, to anchor them to reality and safety. ]
Okay. [ okay. okay. okay. ] B, I trust you, man. If you wanted to hurt me, you would've done it by now. So... Try me.
[he tries for firm, even pulls his hand away, tries to recoil. it just comes out weak, a little broken. ]
No. Absolutely fucking not.
[his arm is searing, though, along with his chest, his back, his hips. that conscious desire to pull Eddie in, to anchor him to the already fragile pieces of his own psyche. ]
[ and if it is vecna, then - then they'll know. and he can tell steve. but he's not going to drop that little fear. he's just going to hold tighter to his hand. ]
[few people have seen Billy truly terrified. only his father and Eleven have seen it up close. but he is, now, quite terrified of himself.
it takes him a moment: he’s quiet, he doesn’t know what to say, really, while he contemplates the danger of this. how easily Eddie assumes he knows that Billy is good, that Billy is himself. he wants to argue until he’s out of breath, because Billy wasn’t even good before Vecna had control of him.
he’s not even very good now.
maybe that’s why he slides his jacket off. why he is turns enough to show the scar on his arm, the way it’s slightly darker than it should be. why he takes Eddie’s hand to feel the heat of it, the way it thrums a little like a heart beat, and then how something under the skin seems to seep out into Eddie’s palm, then dissipates.
the connection is a strange thing, even for Billy. for a moment he’s seeing double, can hear his own heart in his ears, can feel his own anxiety - and then it’s a lot more. it’s noise, it’s like having Eddie so close he’s nestled somewhere in his chest. it’s overwhelmingly good, like Billy’s been alone his entire life and finally, finally someone’s come along and said his name.
Billy’s head is noisy on its own. his emotions are chaotic things, they’re turbulent, they’re messy. it takes a minute for him to distinguish them from Eddie’s, to pull them back in. except, when he does, he’s looking at himself, just for a second, before he’s back to looking at Eddie, wide eyed and slightly awed. ]
[ it takes a lot not to scream. eddie's heart is hammering frantically in his chest, the urge to run so strong he feels himself shaking. but he ran once. he ran hard, and fast, and chrissy cunningham died a lonely death.
he won't allow it to happen again.
it's a lot. all at once. sudden connection that he can't explain. being linked to billy in a way that goes beyond this physical contact. it's more intimate. he presses his lips together in a thin line, uncertain as to exactly what has occurred. ]
[is he? maybe? maybe. he doesn't feel that desire to consume, the way he had before. doesn't feel the need to press in and reshape the chemistry of Eddie's brain until he's working his strings, making wrong feels right. instead he feels sort of - content? like there's something warm just at the edge of his peripherals that he can reach out for, if he needs it.
he can feel some of that trepidation, though. that loose, lingering anxiety of Eddie's. the uncertainty under that determination. he sees Eddie Munson, and wonders if Eddie can see him too. ]
Yeah - yeah I think so. [he wants to squeeze that hand again, so he does. ] You're freaked out. I can feel it.
Yeah, no offense, but psychic powers haven't treated me so good in the past.
[ but he can... feel it. a subtle pressure on his mind that he's certain is billy. the chaotic riot of feeling that is everything billy hargrove is and could be. ]
Shit - Eddie, you shouldn't have. [That little spike of regret and panic is all Billy. he's reaching, squeezing that hands, fingers threaded through - what? reassure? how do you even comfort someone with this?
he breathes. he takes pause. doesn't want to know if he can read Eddie's mind, but figures, yeah okay, he should know. should know if that's a boundary they have to set. Eddie's head is a tapestry; winding paths to the conscious thought and he frowns, searching and searching - ]
[ okay. okay. it's fine. it's fine. fuck - if there's anybody he can trust in his head, it's billy. so many of their demons are identical. eddie just... wears his less obviously. ]
Nah, nah, let me get the hang of this - [it's like leaving a warm bath, which is not really a thought he ever imagined having about Eddie's innermost thoughts. ]
Can you read my mind? [surely? if he wants him to? he thinks bats, because he's mean. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
text.
Date: 2022-08-16 05:56 am (UTC)billy doesn't usually ask to call. eddie's sleep mussed but mostly sober, sitting up from a late afternoon nap. ]
Sure.
Its just me here right now.
[ in case its something sensitive and he needs the assurance. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-16 06:02 am (UTC)[a beat, then, a few minutes after:]
actually can i stop by?
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Date: 2022-08-16 06:02 am (UTC)but i'm not showering
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Date: 2022-08-16 06:10 am (UTC)[it’s a 40 minute wait, mostly because Billy does shower, does soft curl his hair, does do all the little rituals that make him feel human.
he takes the bike. he packs some cigarettes. he does everything that makes him feel grounded before he has to navigate trying to be vulnerable.
he figures it’s just me means Eddie’s place rather than Steve’s, and feels a little better for it.]
Hey, [is what Eddie gets when he arrives, rather than you coulda at least used some Axe. ]
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Date: 2022-08-16 06:16 am (UTC)But Billy's not roasting him from the get-go and that probably means something's off. ]
Hey, man. Everything good?
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Date: 2022-08-16 06:22 am (UTC)[freaking out? yeah, maybe. he feels unmoored; feels exhausted. the way he collapses onto Eddie’s bed without so much as a dry remark about their cleanliness says more than he could, probably.
he stares at the ceiling, fingers twitching at his side.] I feel kind of crazy.
[his teeth are grinding in between sentences. ] I didn’t - didn’t wanna tell either of you about this stupid, fucking thing. But it’s gonna take too long to figure out how to suppress it and it’s getting worse.
[he’s unblinking. ] Sorry. I should’ve called instead, because it’s like - I don’t know if I’m dangerous, E.
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Date: 2022-08-16 06:29 am (UTC)not of billy. For billy.
He's crossing the room, kneeling down in front of him to take a hand. ]
Hey, hey, hey. You're not dangerous, B
What's going on? Is - is it Vecna, are you getting visions?
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Date: 2022-08-16 10:43 am (UTC)it’s the warmth of Eddie’s hand on his that his eyes stinging. it’s the pure, sweet kindness of Eddie Munson that has his eyes wet, has his throat thick with grief. he should tell him not to touch - should scream it, in fact. because here is the truth of it: there is something inside Billy that wants to crawl out of the tender flesh of his scar tissue. he can feel it, how the silver-violet patches burn black when Eddie and Steve are close, how they come alive with sensation and how every neuron of his brain screams at him to crawl inside them and make them - make them what? his?
it’s not the same as wanting them. it’s not the same thing as closing his eyes and thinking of how Steve would kiss him, or how Eddie might have broken him. it’s worse, somehow. it’s primal and terrifying.
he squeezes Eddie’s hand and lolls his head to look at him, glassy eyed and terrified. ] No - no it’s me.
[that’s worse, isn’t it? that the power he got feels so much like how it felt when Vecna was connecting him to Heather, to her parents, to all those people. how sometimes he misses the unity in his head, how that weakness is only making this worse.
he should tell Eddie not to touch him. he doesn’t. ] Sorry - fuck. It’s - I lied. About my power. Because I wasn’t sure, at first? But it’s getting worse, I think. It’s like sometimes I’m okay, and sometimes this thing wants to reach out and, I don’t know. Connect? But it feels like how it did then, when it was him - but this time it’s me. It’s me, E.
[maybe it was him then too. ] I want to crawl inside your head, Eddie. The scars are fucking burning, sometimes it hurts.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-17 11:59 am (UTC)but he can't.
he licks his lips. squeezing billy's hand. grounding them both. ]
Okay.... okay. [ his voice wavers a little. he'd rather run. ] When you wanna reach out - are -- do you want to hurt people, or just connect?
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Date: 2022-08-17 12:50 pm (UTC)does it even matter what Billy wants? ]
But I don’t know if I could stop myself?
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Date: 2022-08-17 12:54 pm (UTC)eddie licks his lips, looking back up into his friend's bright blue eyes.
it occurs to him that this might be what they need. that billy could be the key to saving all of those who fell victim to vecna. a means to connect to them, to anchor them to reality and safety. ]
Okay. [ okay. okay. okay. ] B, I trust you, man. If you wanted to hurt me, you would've done it by now. So... Try me.
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Date: 2022-08-17 12:59 pm (UTC)[he tries for firm, even pulls his hand away, tries to recoil. it just comes out weak, a little broken. ]
No. Absolutely fucking not.
[his arm is searing, though, along with his chest, his back, his hips. that conscious desire to pull Eddie in, to anchor him to the already fragile pieces of his own psyche. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-17 01:03 pm (UTC)[ his voice is gentle, but firm. ]
You're not Vecna.
[ and if it is vecna, then - then they'll know. and he can tell steve. but he's not going to drop that little fear. he's just going to hold tighter to his hand. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-17 01:14 pm (UTC)it takes him a moment: he’s quiet, he doesn’t know what to say, really, while he contemplates the danger of this. how easily Eddie assumes he knows that Billy is good, that Billy is himself. he wants to argue until he’s out of breath, because Billy wasn’t even good before Vecna had control of him.
he’s not even very good now.
maybe that’s why he slides his jacket off. why he is turns enough to show the scar on his arm, the way it’s slightly darker than it should be. why he takes Eddie’s hand to feel the heat of it, the way it thrums a little like a heart beat, and then how something under the skin seems to seep out into Eddie’s palm, then dissipates.
the connection is a strange thing, even for Billy. for a moment he’s seeing double, can hear his own heart in his ears, can feel his own anxiety - and then it’s a lot more. it’s noise, it’s like having Eddie so close he’s nestled somewhere in his chest. it’s overwhelmingly good, like Billy’s been alone his entire life and finally, finally someone’s come along and said his name.
Billy’s head is noisy on its own. his emotions are chaotic things, they’re turbulent, they’re messy. it takes a minute for him to distinguish them from Eddie’s, to pull them back in. except, when he does, he’s looking at himself, just for a second, before he’s back to looking at Eddie, wide eyed and slightly awed. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-17 01:25 pm (UTC)he won't allow it to happen again.
it's a lot. all at once. sudden connection that he can't explain. being linked to billy in a way that goes beyond this physical contact. it's more intimate. he presses his lips together in a thin line, uncertain as to exactly what has occurred. ]
You okay, big guy?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-17 01:38 pm (UTC)he can feel some of that trepidation, though. that loose, lingering anxiety of Eddie's. the uncertainty under that determination. he sees Eddie Munson, and wonders if Eddie can see him too. ]
Yeah - yeah I think so. [he wants to squeeze that hand again, so he does. ] You're freaked out. I can feel it.
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Date: 2022-08-17 01:48 pm (UTC)[ but he can... feel it. a subtle pressure on his mind that he's certain is billy. the chaotic riot of feeling that is everything billy hargrove is and could be. ]
... Can you tell what I'm thinking?
[ Potato chips ]
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:01 pm (UTC)he breathes. he takes pause. doesn't want to know if he can read Eddie's mind, but figures, yeah okay, he should know. should know if that's a boundary they have to set. Eddie's head is a tapestry; winding paths to the conscious thought and he frowns, searching and searching - ]
- Chips? I can see - Lays.
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:05 pm (UTC)[ Without venom. it comes as a breathless laugh as Eddie reaches out with his spare hand to snag the bag by the bed, tossing it over to Billy. ]
Sorry to you, man, my mind palace is crumbling and filled with some weird fucky demons.
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:15 pm (UTC)[hard to say whether this is a good or a bad thing. ] It's a little weird pulling out of it.
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:16 pm (UTC)[ okay. okay. it's fine. it's fine. fuck - if there's anybody he can trust in his head, it's billy. so many of their demons are identical. eddie just... wears his less obviously. ]
Are you stuck? Do I need to like... shove you?
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:38 pm (UTC)Can you read my mind? [surely? if he wants him to? he thinks bats, because he's mean. ]
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:41 pm (UTC)You're a dick, you know that right? [ he gestures towards the barred window. ] Bats.
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:45 pm (UTC)Yeah, but that's why you love me.
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Date: 2022-08-17 02:47 pm (UTC)So... are we just psychically linked now?
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