ic inbox.

[heatmetal]

[ his voicemail greeting is just a guitar riff ]

Comments

[camarod]

I owe you big time, E. Name it.

[heatmetal]

You're literally buying us a house, dude, I think you're in the clear.

[camarod]

[there’s a visible little pinch in his brow; a hesitation.]

Yeah, uh - [he mentioned a house isn’t the same as he said we should all live together.]

[heatmetal]

[ hmm.

He can make an educated guess what that expression is about. ]

Just hold on to how much you adore me, and remember this feeling when you have to pick up the random junk I'll be leaving around the house.

[camarod]

I don’t owe you that much.

[okay. okay. ] ‘Sides, I never said I was moving in.

[heatmetal]

Dude, come on. You're not gonna buy a whole house, chafing your dick in the process and maybe busting your asshole on a dragon dick, and not move in.

[camarod]

Dude, between you two going at it like you’ll never get laid again and me doing softcore in the next room, our neighbours are gonna think we’re freaks.

[ALSO - ]

And don’t talk about my dragon dick like that. He’s a gentleman.

[heatmetal]

I am a freak. And you and Steve are willingly keeping my company, ergo, you are also freaks.

[ tutting. ]

Gentleman won't leave you wrecked like he will.

[camarod]

Debauched freaks. The noise complaints, dude. Think of the noise complaints.

[sometimes he’s loud okay! and maybe he’s a little self conscious of that!! ]

Whatever. It’s a consensual wrecking. An all day wrecking, if you will.

[heatmetal]

Then they can be jealous they're not getting it as good as anybody in our little freak castle.

[ he grins. ]

Gonna take all day to work up to that.

[camarod]

Jesus. Speak for yourself.

[rip to his sex life] And listen, that’s the best part.

[heatmetal]

Not gonna deny that.

[ on either count. ]

[camarod]

Fuck the house, I’ll spend 700K on lube and advil.

[heatmetal]

Now why would you do a thing like that? Lube companies are gonna be lining up to have you pimp their products.

[camarod]

With twenty four hours and six bottles, you too can fit a whole dragon dick up your ass - [he’s cracking up a little.]

[heatmetal]

Only six?

[camarod]

I make every drop count, you waster.

[heatmetal]

And this is why you're the breadwinner.

[camarod]

Look at me, a real man with the fat bank account and two freeloaders who don’t put out. My dad would be so proud.

[he is, alas, still Billy]

[heatmetal]

It's the life my old man dreamed for me. Minus the constant felonies.

[camarod]

Look at us, a real couple of chips off the old block.

[ha!! ]

Anyway, I should keep this place for work. I don’t think I can handle Steve finding a sex toy and asking questions.

[heatmetal]

[ okay, that gets a full cackle. He tries to imagine it. ]

Good idea. It'll be a lot less to explain if the kids show up, too.

[camarod]

We’d need a bigger goddamn house.

[a full on mcmansion -]

Eddie, Eddie stop. Think of my poor dick. Don’t jinx this.

[heatmetal]

Relax. By the time we need a bigger place I'll be filthy rich.

[camarod]

Oh, oh please explain this one to me.